“there wouldn’t be a rainbow without a little rain”
There’s this most unforgettable experience (so far) that changed my personality and me as a person. It was an activity in our class wherein we have to talk to a total stranger to get an information. It is to show how hard it is to get an information and make connection to someone or something that is completely new to us. We are only given twenty minutes to finish our task.
“I can’t speak, I can’t make a sound to somehow capture your attention.” – Stranger by Secondhand Serenade. That’s the lyrics of the song i’m singing inside my head while i was about to approach the girl sitting on the red bench beside a small tree behind the CAS building. I am not the kind of person who has that great, immense guts to approach someone, especially when knowing that person was not my real purpose. It was like entering the door to my greatest fear — public speaking. In my head, I am freezing. My hands are so cold. My heart is pounding at its finest. I was like, “I need aiiiii—rrhhhhh. Somebody heeeel–pppp” (okay that was exaggerated) I only have less than ten minutes left, standing and staring to my target will not help. In my mind, i just imagined that the girl was a pizza, and i should get that pizza before the time runs out.
So this is the situation (non-verbatim):
Me: *walks in front of the girl* Hiiiii!
Target: *smiles awkwardly*
Me: *siguro pinapatay na ko sa isipan nito, ano kayang sasabihin ko* Ahm, hi ate! Bakit ka mag-isa?
Target: ahm? (?_?) *she’s like “whaaaaat?” with a petrified face*
Target: Wala kasi akong kasama, yung mga kasama ko last sem may klase, eh hinihintay ko yung next class ko which is in CPCLH, eng 2.
Me: Ahhh. *laughs* Ahm. *Ano pa ba pwedeng sabihin?* *laughs* ahh, ganon po ba? Ahm, ano po ba pangalan nyo? And course? And college? *pa-simple*
Target: Ahm, Cane Cui (I don;t know if that’s the spelling of her name, yan yung pagkakaintindi ko, sana tama) AgEcon, CEM
Me: OMG! CEM pala ang AgEcon, all this time akala ko CA. *super shock talaga ako dun as in*
Target: *smiles awkwardly again* Ah–hh, oo.
Me: Ahm, ate salamat po. See you around, sorry po kung ang weird ko.
Parang pagkatapos kong gawin yun, nakahinga ako ng maluwag, bumalik na sa normal yung heart beat ko.
In the end, parang nagkaroon ako ng conclusion na sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa words that I cannot set them free and put them into actions. But, seriously, it is really really really hard (raise to 10) to get an information. Ugh.
(Thanks Lei sa pagpapahiram sa akin ng laptop and everything)
“I’m ready to reject all these expectations and write my own story.”
“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” – Paulo Coelho
This took almost two weeks to write. Not because it was particularly challenging writing, but it was soul-work and I’ve been avoiding it. So much is going on in my life and, yet, not enough. I’ve been making small, but noticeable steps forward. Those seem to be the most infuriating; I wish I could just shake myself into action, but I’m just slower than I used to be.
I had a cleansing cry in the car, driving home. I wasn’t sad. It was relief and excitement and exhaustion from all I’ve been going through in the last 6 years. Waiting for your life to start is soul-crushing work. Sometimes it takes a long time for you to heal, but the trick is to figure out how to help…
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